Virtue & Vanity by Astrid Jane Ray

Author:Astrid Jane Ray [Ray, Astrid Jane]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Astrid Jane Ray
Published: 2016-02-22T08:00:00+00:00

Chapter Thirty-One

A scream woke me up. I sat upright in panic and opened my eyes, covering my face with my hands because I was afraid of what I’d see in the darkness. The salty dampness of tears was smeared all over my cheeks and I was shocked by the fact that I had been crying. Breathe Isabelle. You have to breathe. I tried to listen to the coaching voice in my head, but taking in a breath seemed to be an impossible mission. I was too frightened to breathe. I uncovered my face and allowed myself to look around the dark room. My heartbeat was slowly returning to normal and I managed to draw in quick, shallow breaths. It took me a while to realize what was happening. I was trembling, and when I glanced at the empty side of the bed next to me, I cringed in fear and quickly looked away. As my breathing returned to normal I became aware what had happened. I had been awoken by my own screams caused by another terrible nightmare. I had dreamt that Sebastian had barged into my room and attacked me. I froze when I remembered the bitter feeling of betrayal that swept over me in my dream. Deep down, I knew that my fear of Sebastian was still very real. I was afraid that striking this deal with him would lead me into an even deeper despair. I felt sad and abandoned, lonely and confused. There was no one to comfort me and tell me there was nothing to fear.

“It’s okay. You’re safe,” I whispered the words that Sebastian would always say when he held me in the dark and a strange feeling of security rushed through me.

I lowered my head on the pillow, fantasizing about the soothing warmth and solace of his embrace. I closed my eyes and imagined him gently stroking my hair and kissing my forehead. It was disturbing. I knew it wasn’t normal to crave his protection. It was quite depraved, but it had worked and I calmed down in a matter of seconds.

However, falling asleep was a much bigger struggle. The dream I had, made me analyze everything that was going on with Sebastian lately. The images of the evening I’d spent with him kept appearing before my eyes and I couldn’t lie and convince myself that I didn’t enjoy his company. I cherished every moment of it, but a huge part of me was still holding a lot of resentment towards him. One beautiful night wasn’t enough to erase the bitter remembrance of so many nights that were filled with fear and sadness. To a certain extent, I felt guilty because I didn’t mean to torture him by withholding my forgiveness, but I still couldn’t forget.

After realizing that sleep wouldn’t come, I decided to get up and reach for the book I gave up on the day before, when I was nervous about going out with Sebastian.

Not wanting to stay in the solitude

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